Ching Jr and the Giant Garlic Stalk
by california-roll
Summary: Ching Jr. was the son of the seven hundredth concubine and the Emperor from the Ching Dynasty. Ching’s fetish for all things garlic prevented him and his mother from becoming close to people, even the Emperor.


Note: I wrote this for writer's craft. It's suppose to be based on Jack and the Beanstalk but with a twist. Some constructive criticism (e.g. areas of improvement) would be nice. Thank you

**Ching Jr. and the Giant Garlic Stalk**

Once upon a Ching dynasty, there lived a royal concubine who had one son named Ching Jr. and a daughter named Pei Pei, though a Mongolian had killed the daughter five years ago. Despite being the Emperor's son, Ching was not well liked among the kingdom, even by his father. Ching's putrid fetish of all things garlic prevented him from becoming close to people, even the Emperor. Finally, the frustrated mother could not stand sleeping alone at night anymore.

"Why should the other concubines have the Emperor?" she said to herself. "I may be the seven hundredth in line but that doesn't mean I shouldn't get a chance with him."

Ching, who had been standing behind her, had heard his mother's painful cry for affection and thus decided that he was going to destroy his garlic garden for her sake.

Next morning, as Ching was preparing to throw away the garlic stalks, a strange old man had suddenly appeared to him.

"Joe sun ah Ching."

"Uh…good morning to you too old man," said Ching while wondering how the stranger could stand to be in such close proximity with Ching.

"What you doing?"

"I'm throwing away my garlic stalks so that the Emperor might visit my mother and hopefully spend the night."

"How bow deez. You givahmee gahlic andah I givahyoo lahkeee …nawe nawe… mahhjik gahlic clo." The man showed Ching the goods.

"I don't want them. I just told you that I was throwing the garlic stalks away. Why would I want your 'magic' garlic cloves?"

"Day mahhjik! Maahhhjik!" With that, the old man shoved the cloves into Ching's hand and disappeared into thin air with Ching's garlic stalks in hand.

Ching was lost for words. The man just disappeared, he thought with awe. The cloves, what if they are magical? So right there, he decided that his mother's sexual desires must wait and guiltily proceeded to plant the cloves into the ground.

The next morning, Ching had woke up extra early just to see how the newly planted garlic cloves were doing. Sure enough, when he arrived at his garden, there was a giant garlic stalk waiting for him. With great difficulty, Ching climbed and climbed and climbed till at last, he reached the sky. When he got there, he saw that there were no pebbled paths, koi ponds, or even imperial lion statues. Instead, he found a long broad road going as straight as a chopstick. He walked and walked and walked until he came to a monstrously large yurt (tent) with an equally monstrously tall woman.

"Greetings, tanned one," says Ching quite formally. "Could you give me something to eat? I have not eaten breakfast and am as hungry as a water buffalo"

"You'll be breakfast if you do not leave here soon for my man is a Mongolian ogre and there is nothing he likes better than eating Chinese boys marinated with my special sea food sauce."

"Please o one with beautiful skin complexion, I am famished. I have not eaten breakfast yet."

The Mongolian's wife was not a bad sort and so she took Ching in and gave him a small cup of fermented horses milk, otherwise known as airag. But before Ching could even drink his airag, the entire yurt trembled and the ground shook.

"Oh my, it is my husband. Oh what shall I do? Quick, hide behind the jug of airag." The woman shoved Ching lightly behind the pitcher and waited nervously for her husband to enter the yurt.

When the Mongolian lumbered into the yurt, Ching's eyes nearly popped out of his head. The ogre was twice the size of his wife. He was also the one that killed Pei Pei five years ago.

"Fee fi fo fum. I smell the blood of a Chinese man. Be he pleasant or be he gruesome, I'll have his flesh made into dim sum."

"Nonsense dear," said his wife. "You must be smelling the crumbs of that baked little boy that you had for dessert yesterday. Go wash up and your meal shall be ready."

When the Mongolian left the yurt, Ching was about to run back to the garlic stalk but the woman stopped him.

"Wait until he finishes his meal. He always sleeps after he eats."

Well, after the Mongolian had his meal, he went to one of the larger pitchers, dumped out the contents on the table and began to count them until he fell asleep. Ching could not believe his eyes. The giant was counting the largest abalones that Ching had ever seen; in fact, they were even larger than water buffalo dung. Ching tip toed towards the giant and when the woman wasn't looking, he snatched two abalones from the table. He ran to the garlic stalk and threw the colossal abalones down, which of course fell into his garden. Ching climbed down until he reached the palace again and then he showed his mother the precious abalones.

"Look Mother. You can give these abalones to the Emperor as gifts," said the breathless boy. "Then he might come and visit us."

The mother asked the servants to wrap up the abalones and deliver them to the Emperor. To her dismay, the Emperor only sent back a letter of appreciation. In other words, the Emperor was not coming over tonight. Ching, however, remained confident that his mother still had a chance of improving her connubial relationship with the Emperor and hence, Ching decided that he was going to go back up the garlic stalk.

The following day, Ching was back in the sky and walking along the road. He walked and walked and walked until he reached the mammoth yurt and the mammoth woman.

"Good morning, o fair-as-a-lotus one," says Ching boldly. "May I have something to eat? I have not eaten breakfast yet and am as hungry a tiger"

"You again. Leave before my husband eats you for breakfast," says the woman. "Weren't you the young man that came yesterday? Did you know, on the same day that you were here, my husband lost two of his abalones?"

"Really? Er…wow, how did that happen? I'm sorry for the loss. I think I have a clue as to what happened but I'm just so hungry that I can hardly speak…Oh I feel faint."

Well, the tall woman had grown curious as to what Ching knew, so she brought him in and gave him a slice of dog meat, but before Ching had even chewed twice, the Mongolian's booming voice was heard. The woman quickly crammed Ching behind the jug of airag again.

"Fee fi fo fum. I smell the blood of a Chinese man. Be he pleasant or be he gruesome, I'll have his flesh made into dim sum."

"Nonsense my love-muffin," said the woman. "There is no one here but me. Go wash up and when you come back, your meal will be ready."

Sure enough, the Mongolian had his breakfast and before he went to sleep, he asked for his pipa, which his wife brought to him in a flash. Suddenly, the giant said, "Play," and the room was filled with heavenly melodies. Soon the giant fell asleep and the pipa ceased playing. Ching, who have been behind the airag jug all this time, silently crept towards the ogre and gently slipped the pipa under his arms. He ran to the garlic stalk and climbed down to greet his waiting mother.

"Here Mother. Send this magical pipa to the Emperor. I am sure that he will like it very much."

So the mother asked the servants to deliver the pipa to the Emperor and soon, the Emperor was on his way to see Ching and his mother. Unfortunately, the Emperor would only stay for an hour and before long, he had to leave again. Ching could see that his mother was extremely displeased by his father's continual reluctance to stay the night so Ching decided that he would climb up the garlic stalk once more.

The next morning, Ching was back up on the garlic stalk. He climbed and climbed and climbed until he reached the sky. This time, however, he knew better than to enter at the front entrance and so Ching slipped in from under the yurt flap. When he was inside, he quickly darted under the bed and waited for the usual to happen, but he didn't have to wait long as the Mongolian giant was already booming at the top of his voice.

"Fee fi fo fum. I smell the blood of a Chinese man. Be he pleasant or be he gruesome, I'll have his flesh made into dim sum."

"Do you my studmice-ster?" asked his wife. "It must be that little Chinese boy that stole your abalones and your pipa." And the two rushed at the airag jug but nothing was there. "There you go again. It must be that little boy that you ate yesterday for dinner. I can't believe you are not able to tell the difference between a live one and a dead one. You're getting old honey."

So the Mongolian sat down and ate his congee but every few minutes or so, his eyes would dart around, expecting a Chinese man to be scurrying around. Since he couldn't find one, he gave up and said to his wife, "Bring me my opium." The wife brought the bag of opium but there were no pipe.

"Hold on honey, I can't find the pipe. Just hold on."

The giant waited and waited and waited until he finally dozed off. Ching, not knowing what it was, decided to steal it anyway. He dashed towards the Mongolian, took the large bag of opium in his arms, and began to head for the exit. Suddenly, being too hasty, Ching a tripped and spilt some of the goods.

"Ahhhhhhchoooooooo!"

Unfortunately, the sound of Ching's sneeze had awakened the Mongolian just in time for him to see a tiny powder-clad midget make off with the opium. The giant produced a terrifying roar and gave chase.

"Come back here, you little rat! I'll eat you alive!"

Ching was so terrified that he could barely climb down the garlic stalk, but climbed he did until he reached the ground where his mother was waiting. He looked up and saw that the Mongolian was almost out of the clouds.

"Quick Mother, bring me a sword for the giant Mongolian is coming down the stalk this very second."

"I do not have swords with me, Ching. Oh what will we do?"

"Don't panic mother. The guards will be able to help us. GUARDS! GUARDS!…" No matter how loud Ching yelled, though, no guards would come.

Suddenly, Ching had a brilliant idea. He put down the opium and braced himself. Then all at once, he began to eat the garlic stalk at lightning speed. He ate and ate and ate until the garlic stalk began to topple over. The Mongolian fell from the sky, smashing his skull, and the garlic stalk came crashed into the ground. Then Ching showed his mother the opium that he stole.

"Mother, give this to the Emperor as a gift. I'm sure he will enjoy it very much."

The mother decided to listen to Ching one last time and asked servants to deliver the opium to the Emperor. Sure enough, the Emperor loved the powdered drug and at last, decided to spend the weekend with Ching and his mother. Ching told his father about how he had slain the Mongolian giant that killed Pei Pei. Upon hearing this, the Emperor promised Ching as much garlic as he liked and the throne as well. As for Ching's mother, she got promoted from concubine number seven hundred to concubine number two fifty-three.

The End


End file.
